As a parent you want nothing but the best for your children.
You want to see them grow, succeed, make good decisions, lead healthy lives, find happiness.
What do you do when it feels like all of that has been dashed upon the rocks?
How can you forgive the person that was responsible,even when that person was some one you loved, even when that person was your father?
How do you forgive those that stood by him, even when those people are your family?
A very dear friend recently asked me…
“What is you best case scenario?”
” Can you see through the fog of all of this, to the best possible out come?”
I know that what he was really asking was, what I saw in regards to all of the broken relationships, that have been left in the wake of my fathers actions..the relationships with my brother, my sisters, my mom.
I didn’t have much of an answer when he asked, and I do not have much of an answer now.
I tell you honestly, I have tried hard to see past all of this, to see what life looks like, to see what those relationships look like, to see what the life of my daughter looks like, when all of this is done.
The best I can hope for today, is that my daughter will see herself through my eyes,… see in herself, what I see, when I look at her, and for myself …be able to live with the decisions I have made and the actions I have taken, to know that I have done the best for my family, based on the information I have, that I was a good husband and father, someone my wife, daughter and son can look to, with some level of pride, regardless of the personal price.
There are days when that hope is hard to hold onto, and the price is great.
7 months ago, my brother and I were talking about a “guys trip”. The two of us, our sons and my father would take a few days to hang out in the middle of nowhere…it didn’t really matter where, maybe the Adirondacks or the Appalachians. My son wouldn’t stop talking about it.
I could not imagine then, that a month later I would find out that my father had been molesting my daughter, and all of our worlds would be turned upside down.
There has been a lot of confusion, accusations and hurt feelings ever since. That is what this does, it turns families inside out and tears them apart.
I spoke to my brother for the first time, in a long time today. He was angry with me, you could hear it in his voice. He was angry at how he had been portrayed in my posts. He emphatically denies what the police have said in regards to his cooperation, and I honestly believe him and I have always wanted to believe him. It would not be the first time the police have told me something, that was not completely accurate, while my brother, has always been a good man, a good husband and a good father, someone his wife, daughters and sons can look to, with pride.
Regardless of his anger, it was just good to hear his voice and know he is still there. I wish we could have talked longer and eventually maybe about something else..anything else. But It was good to talk to him and I was sad to say goodbye.
If you or your family is going through anything like this.. incest, child molestation, etc, then you will understand what it does to a family. You will understand that its affects are devastating, for everyone involved.
It is the ultimate betrayal.
Betrayal by someone like a father or a grandfather, is the absolute most devastating loss a person can experience. It is not just the loss of a loved one, it is the loss of trust, and it is not just the loss of trust of that person who betrayed you, it is the absolute loss of trust in everyone and everything you have ever known, even your own judgement.
That dissolution of trust creates an ever widening gap in all of your relationships, a gap that seems impossible to cross…and in some cases may be.
But today, I got to bridge that gap with my brother or I should say we bridged it together..and maybe not completely, but it was enough to give me hope.
For someone who says they feel betrayed by their family members who are not on your side…. I wonder how your sister feels about you sharing such private sensitive information about her on a public forum. Do you really feel like it’s your right to put her private info out there like that? You should be ashamed. And furthermore, why are you putting such private information about your daughter out there? You say she is 16 years old. This type of format may make you feel better but I cannot see how any of this could help your daughter. Some things need to stay private and within your own family. I hope you reconsider and stop putting your daughter out there.
It is the silent, secret and taboo nature of this that keeps it going. Had I done a better job as a father, maybe my daughter would have understood the natures of my father’s secrets. Maybe if I share my story someone else will not go through what my family is going through. My daughter is in group therapy with 10 girls just like her, all going through the same thing. Some of those girls families are doing exactly what you are saying, their father and mothers are safeguarding their family secret while their daughters are secretly contemplating suicide. My daughter and family have already lost so much, so many other families have lost so much to incest and child abuse. I have contemplated what you are saying many times, its why this is anonymous, it’s why there are no names and it’s why my daughter reads every post before it is published. She has to be okay with it. and trust me when I tell you none of this is posted lightly. Every time I sit down at this keyboard I am in grief, I have no idea how my family ended up here and I have no idea what it will look like if we are ever clear of this. But I know, the more I support my daughter, the more I show her that she has nothing to be ashamed of, that this is not her shame this is my father’s shame, the better her chance is that she will get through this.
I’m sorry about what you and your daughter are going through. Post if you must but unless you have permission from other people to post about their personal stories you should leave that out. Ex: your sisters experience is not yours to share.