Dad,
Today is December 8, 2023.
Yesterday it was 5 years to the day since we have spoken, today is 5 years to the day since I discovered you were grooming and sexually abusing my little girl, my only daughter.
That day will never fade for me.
It is the day I found out that my father, the person I most respected and trusted in the world, betrayed me and my family in the worst way possible.
In the 5 years since the discovery, my family has been through hell and back. The abuse, the trauma, the trials, the depression, the PTSD, the grief, the loss…. I honestly thought it would destroy us, I thought it would destroy my daughter, I thought it would destroy me.
I can’t tell you how close we came on so many occasions. It was a constant struggle to not let you take one more thing from us. Somehow we were able to cling to each other and make it through, but none of us are without scars, some much deeper than others.
There were days when the only thing that got me through was the faintest of hopes for a single good day, with some days being so bad it really came down to a single minute of relief, as single smile or hug.
In an attempt to get my family through the last 5 years, I have suppressed a lifetime of memories and feelings, and I have buried so much of myself in the process, I almost completely lost my self.
When I got on that plane on Dec 8 2018, to confront you, I couldn’t even look at my son. He had no idea I had even left, until his mom and sister told him what was happening. The last thing I said to him, just before I was told the truth of what you had done was.. “keep putting the screws in like I showed you, and I’ll be back in a few minutes to see how you did.” We were putting furniture together in his bedroom.
Knowing what I was getting on that plane to do, I never went back to see how he was doing, I couldn’t even look at him. I was never really sure If I would be returning.
Even when I came back 24 hours later, I was no longer the person I was, and it took me a long time to realize that I would never be that person again.
I have built up walls around me to hold back floods of grief, hate, and anger. When the pressure got too great and I could feel it spilling out, I would build up stronger walls.
A couple of weeks ago, those walls finally came crashing down; it was so bad I went on a long walk and nearly stepped into traffic.
It was the last straw.
It was the realization that while I was holding up everyone else, I was neglecting myself.
Early on, in that first December, my wife talked me into meeting with a therapist. I was in such a bad place. She was so afraid of what I might do when you were released from suicide watch. She was so afraid she would wake up, and that the car and I would be gone….and on my way to visit you.
After a couple of sessions in therapy, I realized I wasn’t ready, I needed and wanted to hold on to my hatred for you.
I had so many challenges ahead and justice to seek. I wasn’t going to let a single fond memory of you or my family stop me, not after what you knowingly did to my daughter. Not after the years of abuse, you heaped on her.
Do you realize it took over 70 typed pages to document all of your abuse?
Your family has no idea how easy you got off, and what justice for you should truly look like.
But I know and even more, I know you know.
I know that while we spent years nursing our son back to health, you spent that same time grooming my daughter and telling her how we didn’t care about her, and that we were neglecting her and that only granddaddy really loved her.
I have considered visiting you in prison multiple times, with only one single question on my mind.
Why?
Why her?
Why me?
Why my family?
WHY?!!!!
WHY?!!!!!!!
But I know that will never happen. You spent years lying to us. You lied to my daughter. You lied to me. You have lied so much to yourself, you wouldn’t even know the truth of what you have done and why.
You will never see or hear from me or my family again and I will never seek you out.
But I will speak about you often this month.
I am finally ready to process the damage you have done to me and my family, in an attempt to heal myself as much as I can, maybe even find my way back.
I am going to unpack every memory of you and grieve the loss of the man and father I thought I knew, the one I loved and respected.
I am going to post the last few blogs that have remained unpublished.
After that, I will bury you forever.
Your son.