Child abusers, do not look like what you would expect.
They are not sketchy, half shaven, strangers moving through the shadows of back alleys, in bad parts of town.
They are your fathers, your uncles, your coaches, your clergy, they are family friends, and trusted teachers, they are usually the people you least expect, and that is why you never see it coming.
As parents, my wife and I were always cognizant of the dangers that children face. My wife herself was molested when she was young, so she was especially on guard in regards to my daughter and who had access to her.
We had a standard set of rules..No sleepovers with friends unless we know the family, no sleepovers with friends if there are teenage boys in the house., etc..etc. our friends referred to me as “Daddy Gestapo”.
So, in June of 2012, when our son was taken into the ICU at a local children’s hospital, and we were told he would be there for quite a while, we had no hesitation when we sent our daughter to stay with my parents for several weeks..after all, we knew with what our son was going through, we would not be able to take care of our her at the same time…and she loved her grandmommy and grandaddy…and we trusted them.
That 3 1/2 week visit with my parents would change my daughter forever, but I had no idea, that for a year prior, the foundation for something horrible had already been lain.
…and it started with a whisper.
“Do you have a boyfriend?”
“If I was younger, I could be your boyfriend?”
“If you were older we could get married.”
“It will be our secret.”
That’s how it started when my daughter was 11, a “harmless” whisper from her loving grandfather.
I remember sitting on opposite couches, as my father whispered into my daughter’s ear smiling… I remember thinking how nice it was that he spent time with her and that he talked to her….how he made her feel special.
I know now what he was whispering…I know now why he was making her feel special.
So in the summer of 2012, as my son lay in a hospital bed fighting for his life, and while my wife and I were at our lowest, my father had unfettered access to my daughter, and he spent every moment with her…whispering…and caressing..and pushing the boundaries with my daughter.
My son would eventually recover enough that we would finally go home from the hospital, but it was a slow recovery. He required around the clock care, it was almost like having an infant again.
My daughter too would return home, but she was not the same little girl, that she once was, and we were so caught up in my sons health and saving his eye sight, that we did not realize how different she was.
At first, we thought it was because she had spent so much time away from us, that she felt abandoned and alone.
When school started back up, my daughter started dressing and acting different. My son was placed in Homebound, a special program for kids who for medical reasons are unable to attend school, for long periods of time. My daughter continued to pull away from us in the weirdest ways, not coming out of her room for long periods of time.
Within a year we were pulling her out of public school due to behavior issues.
We had a difficult couple of years that we blamed on our selves for neglecting our daughter, while our son was sick, it is only now that we know the truth, only now we know what my father was doing all those years.
The guilt I feel, as the father who failed to protect his daughter, is as immeasurable, as the rage and anger I feel towards my father for the damage he has done.
Parents, talk to your kids . Make sure they understand what abuse looks like, make them understand, that if anyone asks them to keep a secret, even a small one, it is a bad thing. When they come home from someone’s house, talk to them and make sure they felt safe there, ask them if they want to go back or if it was weird or strange.
I missed something somewhere, and my daughter, my son, my wife…we are all paying for it.