I have this reoccurring dream, where I can hear my father screaming and begging to be let out of this extremely dark room, that he is being kept in.
The room is pitch black just inside the threshold of the open door, and no light from the hallway I am standing in, penetrates that dark place.
I do not doubt that my father is in that dark place now, and I do not doubt that my mother and siblings hold me responsible for the place that he is in emotionally, as well as the place that he will soon be in reality.
But I am not the architect of any of this.
I did not choose what my father did to my daughter, any more than she chose it.
On the day this whole thing blew up, I flew to confront my father. I sent him a text just before the plane took off, hoping he would have killed himself before I got there, saving me the trouble, saving us all the trouble. Instead, he was taken into custody and placed on suicide watch for several weeks.
A few weeks after he was released, I received a text from my mother’s phone.
Understand, that my mother has had very little to say to me since this whole thing started, a couple of words in a text, in response to me pouring my heart out, is about all I have received. I suspect she is still in shock. So to see a text of this length from my mother was surprising, but I wasn’t more than a line or two in, before I realized it wasn’t from my mother at all, it was from my father.
Upon reading this, my adrenaline immediately spiked, my heart rate went up, my hands were shaking. I began going through my phone, blocking any way that he could contact me or my family..I blocked everyone and everything…my mom, my sisters, my brother, email, the Xbox. I had my wife do the same.
He seems desperate to communicate, but I have nothing to say to him, there is nothing I want to hear from him, and I definitely don’t want to risk him reaching out to my wife or my children… as far as I am concerned my father is dead.
Regardless..I would like to break down several quotes from this text, in an attempt to give its content, some context, but notice one thing…there is no mention in this “apology” of my daughter.
“I could not stay away any longer, I miss your voice in the mornings”
My father and I have spoken at least 5 days a week since I purchased my first cell phone 15 years ago, and because of that, I was closer to him than anyone else in my family. While he works with my brother, sister, and mom, I spoke to him just to hear his voice, to ask him about his day, tell him about mine. I shared more with him than any other person outside of my marriage. That came to an end the instant I knew what he had done. The last contact I had with my father before I knew, was on Friday, Dec 7. I spoke to him that morning, then sent a text that evening, reminding him and my mom to watch “The Ballad of Buster Scruggs” on Netflix. Then there was the last text I sent him from the airplane:
We have not spoken since, but for weeks after this started, I still had this overwhelming urge to call him when I got into my car, and to say that the loss of him, has created a huge hole in my heart and soul, would be an understatement. I do not doubt he misses my voice and our talks about nothing in particular, and I would be lying if I said I didn’t as well. However, I also regularly dream of hacking his arms and legs off, while he is still alive, or beating him to death with anything within reach.
“I know the whole family is hurting because of me, most of all you and your family and your mom.”
This is the first admission of guilt that I’ve seen from my father for molesting my daughter. I am told that he said as much, if not more, in front of the police that first night that he was taken into custody under suicide watch.
“My family has always been everything to me and never in my life have wanted to do anything that would hurt my family but I have and am sorry more than you could ever know.”
At one time I would have believed this statement, but I have been forced to reevaluate and second guess my entire life, even the smallest of things.
“..am sorry more than you could ever know.”
How does someone sneak into a room in the middle of the night and molest my daughter over 30 times then say “I’m sorry.”?
How can someone commit the ultimate betrayal, then say “I’m sorry.”?
How does someone destroy so many lives, then say “I’m sorry.”?
“I am trying to understand how this happened.”
So many people are trying to figure out why this happened.
Was it brain damage? The heart medication? The Percocet abuse?
They are trying so hard to find the reason because they just can’t face the truth.
And the truth is my father, had been patiently and methodically grooming my daughter for several years. I didn’t see it, my wife didn’t see it. But looking back now the pieces are much clearer.
He knew what he was doing was wrong and he was planning on doing it the entire week we were there for Christmas.
He had no plans other than to escalate what he had been doing, no plans but to drug and rape my daughter.
“It is my prayer and hope that someday I will be able to make it up to all of you”
How?!!!
You deliberately hurt my little girl!!!
You broke her into pieces, then did it again and again and again!
You told her you would kill yourself if she told!
You told her I would never believe her!
You tried to buy her silence like she was a common whore!
She will carry this pain with her for the rest of her life!
She will have self-esteem issues!
She will have trust issues!
She will have intimacy issues!
She is 4 times more likely to commit suicide because of what you’ve done!
You have betrayed me… more than I have ever been betrayed by anyone in my life!
You have taken my daughter’s innocence, her sense of self-worth!
You have taken my mother from me!
You have taken my siblings from me!
You have taken my father from me!
In the single moment, it took for me to hear the truth of what you have done, you took every bit of love, honor, and respect I ever held for you and turned it into rage and anger and hatred.
You have destroyed relationships built on a lifetime, and have changed our family forever.
There are not enough lifetimes to undo the damage you have done!
And there is nothing, absolutely nothing you can do, to make it up to me, my daughter or my family.
There are days when I question what I am doing, the right thing is not always the easy thing, and the costs will be high, and I know I will pay them, but I also know what I must do…for my daughter, my self, my wife and my son.
….and whenever I question my path or feel like I may waiver from my course, I look at this portrait of my father that my daughter drew. …and I rest in the truth of my purpose.
There is one path and I am on it, till the end.
